Mixed Feelings

I am definitely experiencing mixed feelings and mixed thoughts about having breast cancer.  The biggest contributor to this is the fact that I am not pursuing standard treatment. 

I am not a typical cancer patient. 

I don't look like a typical cancer patient.  I don't have the telltale bald head covered by a scarf or hat; I still have both breasts intact.  I don't know what it's like to be fatigued, nauseous, sick, or feel any of the other unpleasant side effects of treatment.  I really cannot relate very well to typical cancer patients, because even though I have cancer, I have not experienced what they experience.  To be honest, I don't feel like a "legitimate" cancer patient. 

It's odd, because I still think about the cancer every day.  But I'm not reminded that I have cancer by the symptoms and side effects of treatment; I am reminded of it every time I eat--or want to eat.  Since I am pursuing a cancer-fighting diet, I am very conscious of everything I put in my mouth.  Praying, "Lord, bless this food to my body," before meals has taken on a whole new meaning.  Every food I eat is either helping my body fight cancer or helping the cancer grow.

I don't feel like a cancer patient.  I look better than I have since before I got married 20 years ago, and I feel better--and healthier--than I ever have.  But I have cancer. 

Which brings me to another conundrum:  is it accurate to say that I have cancer?  Do I say, "I have cancer," or "I had cancer," or...what?   I guess I have taken to saying, "I was diagnosed with cancer..."  The margins were clear from the lumpectomy, so it appears that the surgeon successfully removed all of the cancerous mass that was there.  But there is no way of knowing definitively whether or not any cancerous cells were left behind.  Since I chose not to have the lymph node biopsy, it is also unknown at this point if the cancer spread.  Whenever anyone asks how I'm doing, I usually say something like, "I feel fine...I don't know if I am fine, but I feel great."  Unless/until the cancer manifests itself again somewhere, I won't know if it's still lurking in my body or not. 

It's a waiting game.