A Peace of My Mind

Blindsided.  Sucker punched.  Gobsmacked (that's a fun word).  These all accurately describe how I felt last Wednesday when I was told that I have Lyme disease.  What?!  That can't be right.  This clinic is known for treating Lyme patients, so, what--do they tell everyone they have Lyme?  This is too coincidental.  Yes, I was in disbelief.  But the testing is very precise, and there is nothing to doubt.

From early on in my treatments at Fox Valley, I have said that the Lyme patients are way worse off than I was--the only symptom I had was leg pain.  I've seen them, talked to them, heard their stories of incredible suffering from this debilitating disease.  So it was a crushing blow to hear I had Lyme in addition to cancer--I think mostly because it hadn't even been on the radar, and was such a complete shock.  My doctor was very concerned about my most recent bloodwork from the previous week that indicated I had tons of inflammation going on.  That wasn't a surprise--I mean I knew I was sick.  For all but five days since April 8, I have been running fevers and feeling lousy, experiencing all kinds of weird aches and pains, and getting weaker and more wiped out as time goes on.  Initially I was convinced I had caught a nasty virus that my Love had had a couple weeks prior to my fevers starting, but as time went on, I knew that wasn't very likely.  My doctor had the testing done to determine if what I have is viral, bacterial, or fungal--but even he never mentioned Lyme.

The diagnosis broke me.  I did not handle it well.  I'm very thankful that my good friend, Tammy, was with me that day, sat through everything and heard it firsthand.  I really don't know what I would have done if I had been on my own.  She kept me sane, kept things in perspective, talked me through it, spoke encouragement and support to me, and prayed over me more than once.  Things went downhill after she dropped me off at home.  I told Bob, and couldn't even get two words out before I completely lost it and broke down sobbing into his chest.  I wasn't able to utter more than a sentence or two without crying the rest of that night, and I've been in tears multiple times a day since then.  My Love has had to hold me several times while I just sob.  I never reacted like this to any cancer news, and I never doubted or questioned God through the whole cancer thing.  This was different.  I didn't understand it, I was scared, and I was losing it.  It was too much, and my faith faltered.  I acknowledge that my weakened, sick physical state heavily influenced my emotions, but regardless, I don't ever recall feeling so defeated.

I have never been more miserable in my life.  The fevers are constant, some part of my body is always hurting, I can barely move, and I'm not sleeping well.  Every time I took ibuprofen or Aleve to get some relief, I would end up being awake half the night with the same withdrawal symptoms of jitters, restlessness, and even itching that I experienced when I weaned off my narcotic pain killers after Mexico.  Or I would wake up completely soaked in cold sweat from the fever breaking.  I've sweated through three shirts in one night.  So even though I would get pain relief for a few hours, I still wasn't getting any sleep.  I feel like I'm on the verge of being an invalid, because I need so much help with everything.  I can still move by body around by myself, but it's been painfully slow (sloth mode).  I'm never completely comfortable or symptom-free, and I'm exhausted.  Many times in the night I sobbed, begging God to just give me enough relief to be able to sleep more than two or three hours at a time.  So far the answer has been, "No."

The past couple days have been a little better, since I've just kept taking medicine.  I still have fevers come on during the afternoon, and I've been sweating a few times when a fever breaks, but I've been mostly pain- and misery-free.  Nighttime was slightly better, too, but still needs improvement.

Satan has been throwing a lot of fiery darts full of doubts, questioning, and self pity my way the past several days, and I have to say that instead of a warrior ready to battle, I feel more like I'm just cowering behind my shield, desperately trying to remember the truth of God's Word to survive the attacks.  My shield of faith is intact, but battered.  I'm lifting my sword (the Word of God), but I'm not very strong, and I feel like my attempts to wield it are pathetic and wobbly.  I keep trying to think on truths and Scripture in the Bible every time I'm tempted to despair, and it does work.  The problem is that Satan is attacking me unrelentingly every day.  I honestly don't know for sure which tears are sinful questioning and self pity and which are acceptable sorrow.  Regardless, I'm doing a bit better each day regaining control of my mind and emotions.  Some people have sent me encouraging Scriptures which is very helpful...and I need all the help I can get right now.

I entitled this post "A Peace of My Mind" for a couple reasons.  First, I want to share a brutally honest picture of the state of my mind.  I'm not nearly so strong as some of you think; any strength I have at all is coming solely from Jesus--it's not mine.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed at how I've fallen, because there are so many people who have gone through so much worse.  Secondly, it's a play on words, because my mind has rarely been peaceful the past several days.  I'm trying really hard to get that peace--and joy and positivity--back, but it's been slow.  I know, though, that if I keep working at it faithfully...thinking what is right, fighting Satan's attacks...my emotions will follow.  

I have considered the similarity with Elijah.  After his mountain top experience defeating the 450 prophets of Babel with the miracle of God sending fire from heaven on Mount Carmel (1 Kings 18), he experienced one of the lowest times in his life.  Queen Jezebel threatened to kill him because he had destroyed her prophets. Elijah was scared and ran away.  He stopped under a tree and asked God to end his life.  God sent an angel to minister to Elijah where he was and prepare him for what lay ahead (1 Kings 19).  Mexico was definitely a mountain top experience for Bob and I, and the "high" lasted several weeks.  But then I crashed and started getting the unexplained fevers.  It's possible God wants me to be still and let Him minister to me.

I also considered Job, who was a righteous man in God's sight, but God allowed Satan to take almost everything away from him--all his children, all his livestock, and even his health--just to prove to Satan that Job would not curse God...not because Job had done anything wrong.  When Job did attempt to question God, God responded by basically saying, "Who do you think you are, Job, to question the Almighty?"  Then God reminded Job of his supernatural power and knowledge and how He controls all of creation.  Job repented of questioning God's plan.  I am nowhere close to Job's caliber, and it reminded me how much less of a reason I have for questioning His hand in my life; so I repented.

Maybe God is simply addressing my pride.  I thought I was doing so well handling all the cancer stuff--I got this!  Maybe God is humbling me and putting me in a place where there is no doubt Who is in control and where He is the only One to whom I can run.

I don't know the answer why, and I may never know.  But I know my Redeemer lives and proved His love for me on the cross.  I will choose to love Him and trust Him, no matter what and no matter how difficult it is.  God help me.