For the past week or so, I have been navigating the emotional spectrum of being 46 years old...and pregnant. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, I wasn't experiencing the emotions you would probably expect.
You see, my hubby has not had a vasectomy, so even though we haven't planned a baby for the past 13 years (Our fifth child, who is 9, was "unplanned by us, but planned by God"--we thought four was good, but God thought five was better!), we are fully aware that pregnancy is possible. In fact, I have regularly said, "We are going to be that couple in their fifties who suddenly gets a...Surprise!" :) I am always very literally "expecting the unexpected" when it comes to pregnancy, so I was not at all shocked or dismayed. We have chosen to "plan" our family using the natural cycles that God designed in a woman's body, while leaving the door open for God to perform His will. I have never been comfortable with "telling God" how many children we will have. Admittedly, this has been made easier by the fact that I have been blessed with a very regular cycle--which also allows me to know very quickly if I am pregnant. I have never had to use a pregnancy test. I know, I know--I am now at the age where menopause can begin, and being a little late could just mean my body is changing, but there have been no significant signs of that time of life beginning yet.
So, once I was more than three days "late", I immediately began paying close attention. And as more and more days passed, I began contemplating the reality of being pregnant at 46. I would be giving birth at age 47...my oldest and youngest children would be 20 years apart...the baby's next oldest sibling would be 10 years older...Bob and I would be in our late sixties by the time this baby graduates high school. I'm also aware of the reality of how pregnancy affects cancer--my body which had had a hormone-receptive cancer would be raging with hormones. I will have to be vigilant and diligent. But there was still excitement. When should I tell Bob? This could be the healthiest pregnancy and baby I've ever had! I already know several things I'll do differently... This is another opportunity to share the importance, hope, and benefits of a healthy lifestyle...and another opportunity to point people to God! Rather than viewing another baby as a hindrance, an inconvenience, or a hardship at our age, I viewed this baby as a precious blessing from God--whose timing and plan are always perfect. I wasn't upset or worried...I was happy!
That is, until thoughts and doubts planted by the Enemy started to creep in. Oh, boy, what are people going to think? What are my KIDS going to say? Are they going to be embarrassed? What will our relatives say--I mean, our nieces and nephews have just started having babies! Are they going to think I'm stealing their thunder--grabbing limelight when I'm supposed to have already had my turn? Are they going to be critical...think we're stupid and crazy and irresponsible to let this happen? Is this going to rub unfairness in the faces of young couples who haven't been able to bear children yet? I could already hear the shocked comments and responses from family and friends, most of whom would view a baby at our age as a definite negative. I considered how to best convey my joy in a situation which most people were going to view as awkward, at best. I began dreading having to tell people. I started planning how I would delay telling people as long as possible and make sure to keep it very low-key to avoid appearing like I want undue attention. I didn't want to deal with the drama. I started feeling embarrassed and somewhat shameful just anticipating others' reactions. I allowed it to steal my joy.
I quickly realized this was wrong. First of all, I was borrowing trouble--none of this had happened yet, and I didn't even know for sure that it would happen. I don't think my concerns were unfounded, because in the past I have heard negative comments and people's negative views about pregnancy at what was considered to be "too old." But, although my concerns were based in real experience, it still didn't necessarily mean I would be directly faced with it. I was sinfully worrying about something that hadn't yet occurred. Secondly, I couldn't allow my joy to be dependent upon the reactions of others. As long as I am comfortable and happy with what God allows in my life and am able to glorify Him and thank Him for it, then that is what matters. I am responsible for my responses only--not the responses of other people.
Almost as soon as I processed all this, it all came to naught. I started bleeding. I was miscarrying. No, I don't have a doctor's confirmation that this is the case, but I know my body, and I've experienced early miscarriages like this before between the births of my children--when I've been a few weeks late for my cycle, and then have had a very heavy period. Not to be too graphic, but when the bleeding is heavier than normal and it's more clotty with what appears to be tissue-like substances passing, it's kind of obvious.
Am I crushed, heartbroken? No, because it was in the very early stages, and I was just getting accustomed to it. But I definitely have a sense of disappointment--of loss, because I was just to the point of getting excited about having another child. Obviously there are pros and cons--blessings and challenges--involved in being pregnant at my age. But in the ending of the pregnancy, too, I know God's timing is perfect, and His plan is best. It has been another lesson in trusting my Father completely, no matter what scenario plays out.
This experience, though brief, carried me through a lot of different emotions, which has been a little trying. I kept debating whether or not to even share it, because it was basically my own private, secret, short-lived struggle. But I think there could be value in sharing this brief joy-turned-to-heartache experience if only to encourage someone else who may be experiencing it at any age, and to encourage everyone to value the precious gift of life at any age. God is the Author of Life, and I wonder if believers are too comfortable trying to control that aspect without considering that the Father may have a perfect plan that we don't allow Him to accomplish, because it doesn't fit with our own plans. Just something to think about.
Although this current "surprise" won't come to fruition, I will continue to expect the unexpected. :)
