Start Swimming

For many years I have occasionally wondered when my family was going to go through a serious, life-changing trial.  I have known many relatives and friends who have experienced really tough struggles over the years, and I guess in the back of my mind I have just been waiting for our turn.  The Bible speaks a lot about trials and testing in the believer's life--that we should expect them, the benefits of them, and how we are supposed to respond to them.  We have had our share of less severe trials like anyone else such as temporary job lay-offs and unexpected financial strain, but God has always proven Himself faithful in meeting our needs. 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  James 1:2-4 

So when I found a lump in my breast on Sunday, May 5, 2013, I just had a feeling that this was IT.  I wasn't surprised or overwhelmed by shock and disbelief; I did experience this weird feeling of calm acceptance.  Of course the logical part of my brain pointed out that I didn't know that it was cancer yet--it could be, after all, just a benign cyst or something.  Still, the feeling that it was cancer persisted. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7 

I told my husband, Bob, about the lump the same day I found it, but we chose not to tell anyone else until after we had a firm diagnosis.  I guess I didn't want to cause unnecessary worry and concern if it turned out to be nothing, and I didn't really want to field a lot of questions from well-meaning people until I had some solid answers.  The diagnosis didn't come until three weeks later, and during that time of waiting Bob and I went through the days pretty normally, occasionally  discussing upcoming appointments privately.  I did share with him my feeling that the lump was going to be cancerous, but I also admitted I had no solid reason to think that.  Of course it was on our minds, and I did spend time thinking about possible scenarios and how I would handle them.  I also prayed for wisdom and grace for myself and my family to handle whatever came. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  James 1:5 

Bob accompanied me to see my family doctor four days after finding the lump, Thursday, May 9.  My doctor basically said, "Yes, there's something there alright; we'll have to check it out."  A mammogram was scheduled for two weeks later, Thursday, May 23, with enough time to also do an ultrasound and biopsy if necessary.  I had to wait two weeks to schedule the mammogram because we were in Michigan the weekend of May 16 for our niece's wedding.  The wedding weekend was a lot of fun, but it was weird spending so much time with family knowing they had no idea about my situation.  

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1 

The day of my mammogram appointment, I didn't feel overly nervous--probably because I was expecting bad news, but not dreading it.  I had never had a mammogram before, and I thought there was going to be some pain or discomfort, so I was pleasantly surprised when it was a breeze.  (Maybe having nursed five babies had something to do with that.)  The lump in my right breast showed up, but the left one was clear.  Next was the ultrasound which showed that the mass was solid (not a good sign), necessitating a biopsy which was done under local anesthetic.  I didn't find any of these procedures very uncomfortable; in fact I joked with the technicians about the discomfort not even coming close to delivering five babies without any pain meds.  The pain of childbirth has a way of putting things in perspective!  Several tissue samples were taken, and a marker/tag was inserted into the lump.  Then another mammogram was taken to make sure the marker was in the right spot.

I want to mention how impressed and thankful I was that every single person I encountered that day, from the desk receptionists to the technicians, was so kind and friendly.  It was very apparent that they all understood how scary and serious these procedures could be, and they did a fantastic job of being kind without being patronizing.  I made small talk and joked a bit with the mammogram tech, the ultrasound tech, and the radiologist who did the biopsy, but despite the fun the potential seriousness was not minimized.  The radiologist said he was going to do everything he could to lean on the lab to get the results to him the next day (Friday), so that I wouldn't have to go through the weekend not knowing the results.  When I gave them my work number so he could call me with the results, the ultrasound tech was concerned that I was going to be okay getting the news at work.  I appreciated that.  But I assured them I would be fine, and that I had a strong support team at work.  I work at a chiropractic office, and the doctor and his wife are friends more than they are my bosses.  One of my two coworkers is my pastor's wife whom I've known since I was 13 years old, and the other I also count a friend.  Oops, I lied when I wrote that we didn't tell anyone else--I did tell my boss right away because I value his support, knowledge, and medical advice, and because as my employer, I wanted him to know what was going on.

 He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.  Psalm 112:7 

The radiologist did call me at work the next day over the lunch hour and gave me the news that it was indeed cancer--Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.  He said it's the most common kind of breast cancer, and that I caught it "early."  Again, he was very kind.  He said a nurse would be calling me to schedule a consultation with a surgeon since surgery is usually the next step.  The nurse called within the hour, and that was slightly awkward since I had to set up the appointment with a surgeon even though I wasn't familiar with any of the surgeons!  So we picked one, and then I checked him out with a few different sources before the consult appointment.  (It turned out that the surgeon I chose was highly recommended.  I was even able to check with a surgical nurse I know who works with this surgeon regularly.  She said that she would trust him completely, and that he had operated on one of her close friends as well.  That was good enough for me!)  We have instant messaging through Skype on our office computers as well as our home computers, so I was able to tell Bob the news when he messaged me after he got home from work.  I did have to finish the rest of the work day, but I wasn't upset or distraught--I just had a calm acceptance.  Actually, it was kind of a relief to end the weeks of wondering and have a definite answer.

 

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10 

The next issue was deciding whom to tell and when to tell them.  We had considered not telling our kids immediately since they only had a week and a half of school left, and they were in the middle of final exams.  But we realized that we couldn't tell anyone else without risking the news getting back to them, especially to our teenage daughters.   So that night Bob and I sat down with our five children and broke the news to them.  We have always been honest and straightforward with our kids, and I saw no reason to handle this situation differently.  There were lots of tears and some questions from them, and I'm sure they were imagining the worst.  Through her tears my seven-year-old cried, "You don't know what it's like to think your mom is going to die!"  Wow.  It was heartbreaking to watch my children suffering!  In fact, that is what bothers me the most--thinking of the possible effects on my husband and children.  We reviewed several of God's promises, and we prayed together.  I also reminded them that none of us knows when we are going to die--and that I could die in a car accident long before I die of cancer!  It was a rough night for all of them, but they seemed better the next day when we resumed our normal activities.  I also called my parents and Bob's parents to tell them the news that night, and then I sent a couple emails--one to all of our siblings, and one to our pastor so that he could share the news with our church family.  The whole evening was kind of surreal, yet I definitely experienced God's peace that is beyond all understanding. 

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.   

I asked our relatives and church family not to post anything publicly on Facebook about my diagnosis until I posted something myself, although I encouraged them to share the emails with others.  My reasoning for this was that I wanted to gather more information on my condition and future treatment before going "worldwide" with the news. 

Over the next couple days, the loving response from our immediate family and from our church family was comforting and heartwarming.  It is an amazing experience to be covered in prayer by so many people from around the country and even around the world.  This was the first time we had been on the receiving end of such care instead of on the giving end, and it was an inspiring and humbling experience. 

Apparently God decided we could handle more, and He doubled down on the testing!  One week after my diagnosis, Sunday, June 2, my husband fell and broke both bones in his right ankle, requiring surgery and 8-12 weeks of recovery before he could go back to work.  (He had been playing Frisbee golf--and winning!--with one of our teenage daughters.  His shoe caught on the concrete tee pad causing his ankle to twist and then go over the edge of the cement, breaking both bones.  He ended up with a metal plate and seven screws on the side with the spiral fracture, two screws on the other, and forever unable to pass through a metal detector without setting it off.  Bob was very emotional and couldn't believe that this had happened when he wanted and needed to be there for me.  I was a little stunned at the timing myself, but when we were in the emergency room waiting to see the doctor I hugged him and said, "This is the perfect time."  He looked at me incredulously with tears in his eyes and said that it couldn't be a worse time!  I choked up too, but replied, "Well, God allowed it to happen now, and His timing is perfect, so even though it doesn't make sense to us, this is the perfect time."  We prayed again, asking God to help us trust His will, heal Bob's ankle, and meet our needs once again.   

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Bob's accident caused a financial strain since he was unable to work for at least two months--during the first time in our 19 years of marriage when we faced large medical bills--and the 60% disability pay wouldn't quite cut it.  We have a high deductible health insurance plan, so we would have to pay thousands of dollars before the insurance covered anything.  Fortunately, once that deductible is met, everything is covered at 100%!  Ha--we ended up meeting that deductible more than twice over.  Due to all the appointments for doctors and surgeries between the two of us, I missed at least one day of work per week for several pay periods in a row, causing a further pinch in the pocket book.  But our God is faithful, and He used many people to bless our family by their generosity and willingness to help.  We had no unmet needs.  The glory is His alone! 

Bob was able to accompany me to all of my appointments, but the funny thing was that I had to point out that I was the patient--not the guy with a cast and crutches hobbling along with me. 

As soon as I found out I had breast cancer, I began researching every aspect of my specific diagnosis.  I had some preconceived ideas about cancer and cancer treatments, but I wanted as much knowledge as possible in order to make well-informed decisions.  In future posts, I will share what I learned and how that information, coupled with my faith, shaped my treatment decisions.

 

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.  He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.  Psalm 62:1-2